Back to Normal

Well, things are pretty much back to normal here, which sucks. Hearshot made it home after driving over 20 hours yesterday, the crazy bastard. It was awesome having him here, and it sucks to not have any friends near me again.

Have I mentioned that I hate Oregon? I love the weather and scenery, but really, that's all Oregon has.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, career wise, but I know I need to leave Oregon to do something other than working at a mill. My whole family lives here in Oregon, which makes me hate Oregon even more. I love my family to death, but I can't stay in Oregon and be happy, so I'll have to leave them.

I've been wanting out of Oregon for years. I was even going to move to New Zealand once, which wasn't the brightest of ideas. Texas has been my destination for a while now. All my friends are there, and being not far from Dallas, I would have a lot of possibilities for a career.

I wish I could pack up and move tomorrow, but I can't. I still have things here to do before I can leave. I'm hoping that by the time new years comes around, I will be in a position where I am able to move. Time seems to have it's way if slipping by me, with my curse of procrastination, and it's already September. The Holidays are almost upon us again. I hope I can enjoy them this year. I'm sure I will, but I'll have this constant nagging in me that I always do to get stuff done.

It's funny, I push myself to do stuff, yet I have to fight with myself in order to do it. For as long as I can remember I've always put off doing things, I can't explain why. I am a hard worker, once I get started I can work until my knees give out without complaint, I have many times. Getting started is the problem. Everything is a battle for me, and I hate it. I don't know what causes it. It's not like I hate do to work, I like it, It keeps me occupied and healthy. I actually liked my job at the grocery store. I was good at it. I started off just stocking shelves, but soon I was doing everything else as well, because I was a hard worker and didn't whine and moan like all the others. I ended up quitting the job in 2002. What have I done since? Nothing. That eats away at me, all that wasted time. I couldn't get myself up to do anything.

I need to conquer this side of me. I've been trying over the past few months, and while I've made progress, it is extremely hard. It's so easy just to let go and fall back into laziness, slobbing around and depending on parents. I can't do that, though, I know I have to keep up with this battle if I'm ever going to be content.

Not a night has gone by in the past four years where I haven't thought of what I should be doing, yet not doing it. This year, that ends. I am determined to make it so.