How I Love to Hate You

You're
Not so brave
When I'm the snake
And you're my prey
Let me tell you I'll eat you all day
Alone in this desolate cave - James, by Blue October

I went to my grandma's today with my mom and chatted a bit then played some dominoes. On the way down we hit the hardest rain of the year so far, that I've seen. I realized how beautiful it was going down the freeway, rain coming down in sheets, cars throwing up plumes of water. I ended up just looking out the window, studying the hillsides and soaking in the scenery for the hour and a half drive. I'll miss the setting that Oregon provides when I leave, but other than that, I still hate Oregon.

Right now I have this sort of warm, cozy feeling. It's lightly drizzling outside. I'm sitting here, relaxing, and watching football. It's the kind of comfy I usually only get in mid December or so, where Christmas is coming, but the stress and craziness of it hasn't quite arrived. At the same time though, I feel somewhat uneasy. I'm not sure why.

On the way home I came to a realization while Listening to Blue October's Argue With a Tree.

I have mentioned before about my dislike for religion, and ignorance in general. I realized that I am one of those people that is holding a grudge against something. I have hated christianity and ignorant people since my childhood for all the times it has negatively effected my life, the latest time being in 2002. Every time I talk to someone about religion I end up getting all hot headed and start going off on rants. Clearly I have a grudge.

The truth is, christianity, religion, and ignorance don't effect my life anymore, not significantly at least. I make it effect my life by hating it so much. I need to find a way to let it go. It is petty on my part, and does nothing good for either side. Thing is, I don't know how. Every time I start thinking about stuff like that I end up getting mad and feuling my hatred even more. I really need to let this go so I don't become the ignorance that I hate.