Helpless

That is how I feel right now. Things teeter on the brink of crashing down constantly. Not for me, but for certain members of my family, and I'm stuck in the middle, wanting to do everything, but unable to do anything.

It is an endless cycle of stress and worry. Are we gonna be able to keep living here? Are we going to lose everything? Are we going to have to go back to having nothing after finally pulling ourselves out of the hole? These questions are asked by me and my parents a lot recently. The minute things look better, they come crashing down again.

My parents are completely innocent bystanders being hurt by someone else's actions. My aunt is an innocent bystander that can be potentially hurt by someone else's actions. And my sister faces the brunt of it all.

It never ends. I fear my mother will be bedridden with depression, and my dad isn't able to be here for her (because his employer lied to make him move away). I am the sole person to support my mom, and I want nothing more than to move away and start over. Do you know how horrible that makes me feel? I feel like a horrible son.

I have been planning to move for quite some time, but things always spring up and get in the way. And now, when I have become the most determined I have ever been, I feel like I am abandoning people who need me.

I am sick of the situation here. The morality of my family is being ripped to shreds, and they lay down and let it happen. I want to take it away, but I can't. I am stuck here having to watch this shit happen over and over.

I am tired of watching my sister cry. I am tired of watching my mom cry. I am tired of this place, and I am tired of this state of life. I am tired of not being able to do a thing about it.

I want to go away.