The Bottomless Pit

There are times when I absolutely despise sleeping. For a period of a week or two sleeping takes on a whole new dimension for me that takes me out of myself.

This is one of those times. One of those phases. It's lasted four days now...hoping it ends soon.

It's not the problem I have when I can't get to sleep, I sleep easily. It's what the sleep does to me. Particularity when I'm just falling asleep, and waking up.

I'll explain the waking up part, or try to, since that's really what affects the going to sleep the next night. When sleeping is like this, I halfway wake up about three to four hours before I actually get up. I am aware of being awake, yet I'm still in a dreary dream state. I can't escape this dream state. I say escape because that's what it feels like I'm trying to do for those three or four hours. I try to wake up, to escape, but I can't.

It feels like I have been locked up in a padded cell, but in my mind. I can feel my bed, see the sun barely coming up, hear my cat purring, but that's distant. Like a dim memory coming to me as a wallow in my cell, fighting with the random thoughts that loop over and over.

Eventually I am able to break free, and wake up, but the effect lingers. It takes me a long time to fully feel like myself again, and sometimes it lasts the whole day, making it seem like it was made from shades of grey. It's worse if I wake up before the normal actions of day have started. That just lets the cell carry over and stay with me until things get normal. I could be sitting here at my computer, but the cell is there, with it's door open, inviting me to come back in.

Luckily this doesn't happen often, I usually love mornings, but for now I dread sleeping for fear of how long I'll be laying there in bed, half conscious and looking at my ceiling, while my mind loops over and over for what seems like days.

I'm extremely tired tonight, so I'm not proof reading this, so forgive the shittier than usual wording.