Rebirth

When my 16th birthday rolled around, I made no effort to start driving. I had a fear of driving. It wasn't until 2002, where, what else, a girl had given me motivation to face that fear, and start driving. She also got me out to get my first job. This girl was the one to whom I'd become engaged to that I have mentioned in previous entries. It was wonderful, I was trying to turn myself into a guy that would raise a family and be the best I could be for them. My one true dream in life, and I was working on making it come true.

I couldn't imagine the pain that 2002 would bring.

May 27th, 2002, it begins.

My father bursts into Ray's Food Place, my place of employment at the time, and found me in one of the aisles. His face startles me, and I ask what's up. "Mom, Misty(my sister), and the kids have been in an accident," he said "They are at the hospital, I don't know any other details."

Despite protesting legs I ran to the office and told them my situation, then we ran to the car to head to Roseburg. We didn't have any idea what kind of accident this was. We tried to comfort ourselves and ease our fears, by saying it was probably just a fender bender.

We were starting up the curved incline of Robert's Mountain when we saw a few cars and a semi truck that had been involved in an accident. We didn't see my sister's minivan in the accident. Our hearts settled back down, and our fears eased. Then we saw what was behind the semi, impossibly wedged underneath the trailer. "Oh shit," we both said in unison, not believing what we were looking at. It was my sister's van, driver's side wedged under the trailer like tinfoil shoved into the corner of a box. Not a word was said the rest of the way to the hospital.

My mom and nieces had little more than a scratch on them. My sister had broken her neck. She had saved my mom and the girls from harm by placing the van where she knew she would take the brunt of the damage. She did one of the most heroic acts that a human could have done. It's amazing that she lived through the sacrifice that she had given to save her family, let alone be able to walk. I am lucky to still have my sister around. She is the strongest person I know. A true inspiration.

May - October, 2002

My sister is on the hard road of recovery. My relationship hits a speedbump in the form of another guy, but she stays with me. In my denial, I ignore all the warning signs that are flashing.

Around October 18th, 2002

The whole family gets together at a buffet in Grants Pass. We are having a good time, but my grandad looks pale, and fragile. He ends up needing to go to the hospital. We have no idea what's happening to him.

Turns out he had a massive blockage and needed emergency surgery. The next day he had his surgery, in which they had to remove five feet of colon. The doctor informed us he had a 50% chance to live through this. Seeing my grandmother break down and sob was one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness.

During all this I had missed a lot of work, between going to the hospital for my sister's surgeries, then to be with my grandad. I wasn't going to leave them because of some temp job. I was also worried for my best friend's mother, who needed open heart surgery. My fiance didn't like this and started to distance from me. Warning signs flashed more than ever. I ignored them more than ever.

My grandad was in ICU for the next four days, recovering from surgery. On the fifth day they moved him to a different floor, and he made steady progress. We visited regularly, he was coherent, looking healthier, and being himself. During one of his walking exorcises my grandma told him he was doing good, and he looked at her, smiled, and said "You give me strength." All the nurses fell in love, and I admired the relationship my grandparents had. Hoping I would be able to go through life with someone as they had with each other.

"Korey and I need a beer," he said when a nurse reminded him that he had to walk again in a couple minutes. We all laughed. That's Grandad.

November 1st, 2002

Devastation. We got the call in the morning. My grandad's heart had given out. He had passed away. It was a total shock, he had been doing so well.

And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big, god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in. - Hear You Me, by Jimmy Eat World

It was during this time that my fiance told me, "You let too much get in your way." I didn't know how to react. My heart shattered. She was mad at me for letting what has happened effect me, instead of shrugging it off. I realized then what I've been ignoring for a long time now. My dream wasn't going to come true, not with her, no matter what I did. Two days after my grandad died, I broke up with the girl I still loved.

A week later, she tells me that she is going out with a pastor now, and she was happy.

I was defeated, utterly and totally. I escaped into a hole. I quit my job and secluded myself away from everyone, except for my best friend. I never left my room, rarely going anywhere. I became bitter and angry. I didn't like life, and I didn't like myself. I buried myself in games, hiding away from my problems.

I stayed that way until the beginning of 2004. I had gotten over the girl, I started coming out of my room more often. I went to my niece's baseball games, I started being an uncle again. Instead of staying home and wallowing, I went to family gatherings. I started coming back to life.

I was still unhappy, and lonely, though. I enjoyed being with my family, but when I thought of my future, sadness and dread would overcome me. I didn't want to live life alone. It's my biggest fear, being alone. I was afraid that's what my life would be, not matter what people were saying.

June 28th (I think), 2004

I head to the mall to pick up some books. Clueless as to what the day would hold for me. I entered the bookstore. When I left, I had changed. I wasn't quite aware of it then, but I knew something was different. I went back the next day, and the feeling of change strengthened. Something was happening to me that hasn't happened in a long time.

I felt motivated. I wasn't despairing, instead I felt.... good. It's hard to explain, but she had no idea what she did to me just by being there. While nothing may happen between us, I still don't despair. She had hit me over the head, and told me to wake up without even knowing what she was doing. She also showed me that I could meet someone that easily.

I woke up. I realized I had been moping for too long. It was time for me to move forward. It was time for me to actually do the things that I need to do, instead of procrastinating and hiding from them. I had to get up onto my feet and become what I can be. For my sister, my grandad, my parents, all the people who had shown me the good sides of life. For my best friend, for the girl in the bookstore, for whatever girl in my future that will want to have a family with me. I had to stop wishing I had a happy life, stop wishing my dream would come true, and do what I can to make it come true. For myself.

August 17th, 2004

I took my first big step in building my life. I went in to take my test for a driver's permit, to start driving. Now I sit here, legally able to drive. This may not seem like much to some, but it is for me. It's happening, it's actually fucking happening. I am actually doing what I set out to do, instead of putting it off and hiding. I am building myself. I am winning this battle against the me that wants to run away from it all.

I don't know what I got hit with in that bookstore, but godamn she must've hit me hard. If she's reading, thank you. You have no idea what you've done for me. :)