Welcome to Roseburg

I went into town today to pick up a few books and snag a CD.

When I entered the mall, the first thing I see is some sort of stage in the "hub" of the building, with people all around. This was odd to me for two reasons, 1) This is Roseburg, and 2) when I go to sleep at night, I listen to music, and as I'm listening I imagine me as the frontman for the band doing a gig for a select crowd in various locales. For the past month I had been playing on that stage in the mall. It was set up the exact same way as it was in my mind, the only difference is that I wasn't up there singing to various impressed friends, family, and cute women.

I went into the bookstore to pick up my books, and talked with a friend of mine for a bit, and found out the purpose of the stage. Apparently the city of Roseburg pulled some major strings and who knows how many fingers to get a former two time Guinness World Record holder to come and try and break a record. I bet you're all excited to hear what major player we had coming to our little mall. Can he lift a bus? Eat 400 hotdogs? Shove a bowling ball up his nose? Shove an elephant up his ass? Nope, it's even better. HE CAN TEAR BOOKS! Have you ever heard such awesomeness? This crowd was gathering to see one of the world's best book rippers display his super power by disemboweling as many books as he can in 3 minutes. Riveting.

The best part of this whole thing other than the fact that it existed? He had a band as an opening act. I didn't catch their name, but come on, is it really that important? Plus I don't think they wanted their name to be known, and I don't blame them. I kinda felt sorry for them, I mean opening for a book ripper, godamn. That's almost like a guy doing an opening act at the gallows, proceeded by his own hanging.

So a few books and a few unsuccessful jokes later, I went to go get my CD, which the Sam Goody didn't have, so I settled for another. At this time the band was warming up. I figured they were some cover band, and as I walked by I secretly hoped they'd play Rockin' Robin. Instead I heard lyrics like "And Jesus came in, then forgave my sin, blah blah blah bible bible". That didn't bother me though, other than the lack of songs about popular winged animals. Saddened by no Rockin' Robin, I found it kind of ironic that while Christian music was playing, I was carrying a brand new Dimmu Borgir album. I almost felt like throwing up the horns and headbanging, but security and a bunch of women would've beat me up.

Anyway, I bet you're wondering how the awesome Book Ripper did. Did he break the record? Did he cure diseases? I don't know, I left before he started.

Welcome to Roseburg.