Conversations in a Car.

In a haze, the beginning of your days.....
Gonna fall down.
Got to get back up, but at your own pace.
Got to fill your cup and find a way
Out of your own maze.
Yeah boy... what you said now!

Hide the rule book throw it in the waste....
Look strong
Like you belong....Cause you do belong....
Whether right or wrong... You belong. - Inner Glow by Blue October


So yesterday we went to my grandma's and played dominoes with her, my aunt, cousin, and his wife. It was a good day and we had a lot of fun. My grandma is funny when she loses. I also tried to fix my aunt's computer, but her cd drive is shot and she doesn't have internet (gasp) so there wasn't much I could do.

On the way back my mom and I got to talking. I asked her what the family thought of me. Now I know generally what they think of me, the above mentioned like me and have no problems with me, and I'm in the shithouse with the superchristians, always have been. So I asked, and told her to be completely honest, and she said, "They see you as an incredibly smart person of great character, who's potential is being held back..... by me."

You see, they think my mom didn't, and doesn't push me hard enough, for school, and to get out and be on my own. They think she doesn't want me to go out and get a job, or start driving and all that because I'm the youngest of six, and the only one left in the house. That really couldn't be farther from the truth, while my mom doesn't want to see me go, she knows I must, and she encourages it. They fail to realize that it's not a matter of pushing, my mom pushed as best as she could.

When I was younger, no one could tell me what to do. No one. I was extremely stubborn in that, the harder I was pushed, the harder I refused. My parents didn't know at the time, but it wasn't in their control, I was going make up my own mind on what I should do. In retrospect, I should've done things I didn't, but what's done is done and I live with it. No regrets.

I'm the same today, but as I've grown I've learned. I know I must do things I don't want to, when I don't want to do them, so I do them. Still, my decisions are my own, no one else makes them. I listen, observe, deduct, and decide. That's the only way I can live. That doesn't mean I wont listen to someone, it just means I'm not doing it only because they said to. So if I do something for you, you can know it's because I want to do it, and not because I should do it. :)

That brings my to the next thing we talked about, and the next part of this conversation. We talked about phases people go through, bad ones in particular. Phases my brother went through, phases I went through, and how some learn from them, and some can't escape them.

I went though my phase, not so bad as it was dumb. I lived in Winston for my highschool years, and went through a party phase. I took up smoking and drinking. Which is weird, because I didn't fit in at all, I've always been a big goofy geek, even during this phase. Every weekend we'd party, get pissfaced and do stupid things. Stupid things include falling through the counter, attempting back flips, and running across town at 1am.... naked. Stuff I'm not proud of.

During one party my old best friend got alcohol poisoning, and almost died in my arms. I realized one night of stupidity wasn't worth my life, and I haven't had a drink since. I started to alienate from my group of friends. They started trying other things, drugs, crimes, and as many women as they could. I realized that this isn't me. I realized my friends were dragging me down, and changing me from who I really am. When we moved to where I am now, I cut off contact from those friends. I hear now that most are crack heads, and one was in jail for grand theft auto.

Smoking was hard to kick. I knew it was killing me, but I loved it. Going out to the back porch and smoking was my time to unwind and think. It was wonderful. I knew I had to quit, though, and I did cold turkey, with no help. That last cigarette was the slowest smoke I ever had, it was like saying goodbye to on old good friend.

There's one thing about being addicted no one ever told me, and that I never hear being told. Even if you quit, the addiction never goes away. It's been four years, but when I see a pack of cigarettes today and I ache and yearn to have a smoke. Someone gave me a pack to throw away a few months ago, and I came this close to pocketing them, running up to the woods and smoking them all. I still haven't found a time where I can unwind and think like I did when I went out for a smoke. I'm still searching.

All the things I have done in my life, all the things I've experienced, good or bad, I am thankful for. I am thankful for the christian school, for my childhood stubbornness, for the depression in California, for running naked and drunk through town, for smoking, for Diane and 2002, for that conversation in the car yesterday. Everything in my life has taught me a lesson, and I have learned much. I am still learning, everyday. I observe those around me, I study them, and the things they go through. I try to reason it all out and adapt it to my life. I feel this will help me get through life, and tackle it's problems with a bit of wisdom.

In a world where people hide their heads in the sand and close their eyes. Whether through denial, religion or what have you. It helps to open your eyes and your mind, it's amazing what you can learn.

I noticed that a lot of my big posts seem to have this same tone to them. I guess I think about it a lot. In closing I'd like to say: I'm fucking hungry right now.