Hope You Have Good Gas Mileage

I've developed a nasty sleeping habit. I'll lay down and listen to music (Pearl Jam lately) and do my little concert thing in my head. After a while I start to feel my mind wander aimlessly from singing, to tacos, to William Shatner, and wherever else it goes. This a sign that I'm prime for sleep, so I turn off the music and let the silence take me. At least that's how it used to go. Now when I turn off the music, my mind becomes coherent again and I think about stuff that makes me wake up more. On the verge of sleep, then wide awake ten minutes later. It's quite aggravating.

On to my intended topic.

As some of the observant may know (I like assuming that more than two people actually read this), my best friend, Hearshot, is coming up from Texas to visit. Oregon is a full four inches away from Texas on my globe, so it's way far away. It is a 40 hour drive, and yes, he's driving. He's been driving since yesterday actually, and should get here tomorrow in the late afternoon or evening.

At the risk of sounding too sappy, I must say it's really touching. Having a friend drive a few thousand miles to see you is something I never thought of before, even after years of talking about it, I never thought of it till he actually set off on the trip. When it comes down to it, all we're really going to do is the stuff we'd do any day if we lived near each other, play way too many video games, make jokes, laugh at each other's farts, and generally waste time. Stuff we do every day.

Almost every friend I've had would instantly forget me if I moved a town away. I've had "friends" do everything from fake illness to intentionally get grounded so they would've have to walk down the street. Then Hearshot drives, willingly I may add, across the country.

It's a great feeling to know that I have a great friend, a true friend, that I can be myself around, and that I can lean on when life gets heavy. I try to be the same kind of friend to him, which can be hard, with me living so far away.

Whether they live next door, half a state away, or across the country, don't forget your friends. A true friend is a family member, someone who'll be there for you, and someone you can be there for. With so many inconsistencies and uncertainties in life, a true friend can be one of the few constants. Don't take them for granted.

Hearshot is my brother, we just aren't related.

Touch Ups

I'm still painting my mini. I think I've put about 4 - 5 hours of work into it so far. I'm pretty much done with the skin, and it's ok. I'm not quite as happy as I could be with it. I don't like the base color I chose, and my highlights aren't as smooth as I'd like. This is my first mini in years, though, so I may just be rusty.

I noticed a few other things. For one, the position I used to paint in just doesn't work anymore. I used to cross my right leg and kind of lean on the knee and paint that way. I don't know if my arthritis has progressed or what, but I can't sit in that position for any more than five minutes now. So I'm trying to find a new, relatively painless position to paint in.

Also, I forgot how hard it was to make clean lines. My hand doesn't seem to be as steady as it used to be, and I now have tiny bits of black paint on the guy's skin. Even if only I notice, it irritates me, so I have some touch ups to do.

Next I highlight the black parts. It can be tricky, because you can't shade black, but if you highlight too much it turns into grey. Fun stuff.

That One Summer When I Was 19

In July last year I actually planned a trip to Texas, to see my best friend. It would be my first time flying since I was two years old. I wasn't afraid of flying, which is odd, because I'm afraid of anything that can do so much as scratch me.

The flight down was great. It went without problems, and the time flew as I watched the world go by below me. I arrived in Dallas a few hours earlier than expected, so I had some time to kill before Hearshot (my friend) would show up. I figured I'd go sit outside and see if I could see em coming. This being my first time in Texas, and being a resident of Oregon, I wasn't expecting the gates of hell to open on me as I walked through the doors. I took one step outside and instantly became soaked with sweat. I barely made it back inside with my life, let alone sanity, which I'm low on as is.

"Screw that," I thought, "I'll just sit here and relax, and play my GBA till he gets here."

Well, I never played my GBA, for two reasons. 1) I couldn't stop watching the sea of humanity that was surrounding me, and 2) there was this Mexican kid that kept staring at me, if I pulled out the GBA, I knew he was going to try to be my best friend, either that or kick me and steal the thing. After a little bit I saw a guy who looked familiar. It took me a bit to realize I was looking at Jimmy Hart, of old WWF fame. I loved this guy as a kid..... I always seem to like the bad guys. Never before have I realized how little he was. I swear he didn't come any higher than my knee. I wanted to go to him and say "Hey man! I'm a big fan, I still remember Wrestlemania 1 where you feel off the apron and snapped your head on the concrete, that had to hurt."

I didn't approach him, though. His Bodyguard was HUGE. If I approached him, the bodyguard would've punched me in the face, and while I lay crying in the fetal position that Mexican kid would've stolen my GBA. So I stayed put. I had to think on my feet.

Eventually Hearshot, and Benham (another friend, and no, these aren't real names) showed up and saved me from my potential doom at the hands of bodyguards and kids. They walked right by me at first, so I put on my cool hat that I never wear, and chased em down.

The greeting commenced. We all size each other up, slightly puzzled.

Hearshot: You aren't as tall as you said.
Me: Yeah I am, you're taller than you said.
Benham: Well, you're both damn tall to me.

With that we headed to the car, and began my week's stay.

Somewhere between getting totally owned at Mario Kart 64, and buying two Dio CD's (which stands as my worst purchase ever) I realized how awesome it was to finally be among true friends. I never got homesick (sorry Mom), I felt comfortable, and as content as I have ever been. This was the first time I had seen them in person, and it felt like all the years were spent next door. I didn't want to leave.

Heading back home sucked..... a lot. I knew the flight to Texas went too well, and the flight back promptly made up for it. The plane didn't arrive in Dallas on time, thus making me miss my switchover in Denver. That means I was in Denver for the night, with a whole $5 to supply my food. I went to Burger King and got myself a whopper meal. I scarfed the Whopper, and rationed out the french fries throughout the night. A survivor, I am. I staked claim to a bench in the main lobby (since they kicked me out of the terminals), and settled in for the night. After an hour or so of reading the liner notes of my new CD's (not Dio, though, I just glared at them for taking money that could've been food), I decided to try and get some sleep. It was then, that I realized that my bench (or fort, because I could peek over the back at all the people, all I needed were couch cushions) was placed right next to the speaker. Every 10 minutes I received advice such as "Don't carry guns" and "Don't leave your bag unattended". I think the dude on the floor cleaner enjoyed getting as close to my bench/fort as possible, then making noise, as he did it all night.

I eventually made it home, tired, hurting, and starving. I was happy to see my parents on the other side of the gates, cheering for me as if I won a marathon. I wasn't completely happy to be back home, though. I didn't really feel like I had made it home. I had that feeling when I got to Texas. I still feel like I'm just on vacation, waiting to go back home.

This Saturday, Hearshot's heading up to visit. He is driving, because he apparently loves to be bored out of his mind. It's going to be interesting to show him what's up here, or more accurately what's not up here. My main town is Roseburg, where book ripping is a top draw. A far cry from Dallas and surrounding areas. I suspect most of the time will be spent in this room, with me getting owned in Mario Kart, and it's going to rule.

Literary Poundcake

So my mom is finally about to start reading The Descent, by Jeff Long. I have been hounding her for about a week now to hurry up finish her current book.

About 3 weeks ago (I'm horrible with recalling times). I got The Descent. I was still reading Pyramids! by Terry Pratchett at the time, and my mom was reading The Face, by Dean Koontz. We decided that whoever finished their current book first would get to read The Descent first.

Needless to say I finished first, so I got to read The Descent before my mom, and it was one of the best books I have ever read. I enjoyed it more than the LoTR trilogy, and I'm a huge fantasy nut. Anyway, since then I have also read Just A Geek, by Wil Wheaton, and I'm over halfway through If Chins Could Kill, by Bruce Campbell. My mom finished The Face last night. I guess there's a new reading champion in the family. /flex

While it's awesome that she's going to read it now, I am scared. I fear for my book's well being. You see, my mom mutilates her books. She bends the binding all the way back, and dog-ears the pages instead of using a bookmark. I can hear the books screaming at night. I am anal about the condition my books stay in. I try to keep them as close to new looking as possible while reading them. Since The Descent is one of my all time favorite books, I am quite worried, so send your thoughts, prayers, and various panties out to my book in this trying time.

Also, poundcake is Christmas in my mouth.

Just had a thought....

A rare glimpse of a thought being thought of.

Small Art

The above out-of-focus-webcam pic displays my workplace. To the right of the orange fan is my computer, and above that, my CD player. Needless to say I spend a lot of time in this room.

I have been a miniature painter for many, many years. I haven't painted since 2002, and my last works are probably in some New Zealand landfill right now, which sucks, I was pretty proud of what I had made.

As is a theme of mine lately, I am reviving and returning to the miniature painting world. When I last quit, I was beginning to get good. Every time I took a break I returned twice as good as I had been, though I'm not sure about this time, as I've been away for a few years. It'll be interesting to see how easy it is to get back in the groove of things.

It's a bit intimidating, as new methods of painting have popped up. Stuff like NMM (Non-Metal Metallic) and SE-NMM (Sky to Earth Non-Metal Metallic) and Lightsourcing have really taken flight since I stopped painting.

You may be asking, what exactly is miniature painting?

Miniature painting is similar to canvas or 2D painting, but our 'canvas' is 3D. We paint miniature figures made of pewter, and sometimes plastic or resin. I generally paint wargame miniatures that are 20 - 30mm scale. For some sense of scale, that means that the average upper body of a human mini is the size of my thumbnail. I stick with the sci-fi and fantasy genres, with some historical mixed in. Since we paint in 3D, our trick is to shade and highlight accordingly, and bring the mini to life. The goal is to try and make it look like the mini could move at any minute. Mini painting often leads to other things, including modeling terrain (as a base or diorama for the mini), and sculpting (to modify, or make your own mini).

That's about it on that. I'm going to start painting in a few. Hopefully I'll have one done by the time I get a digital camera so I can post it.

Critical Review

"Forever dreaming of what to do
Never achieving, I never see it through
Don't want to live like yesterday
This time my dreams are coming true" - Echoes of Life, by Threshold

Well, once again I can't sleep, so I figured I'd do a CD review.

Usually the first question is, "Which album do I review?"

Not for me. Mine was "What do I name the reviews?"

I have my priorities. Now if you know me, you know I can spend a week trying to think of a good name. I still haven't thought of one, so I'm going to do the review, otherwise I'll end up way too tired to do it. I may wait till tomorrow for a name.

I must warn you, I'm no expert on music, nor am I an experienced reviewer. I haven't reviewed anything other than Puroresu matches, so I'm probably going to suck...... A lot.

Onto the review.



Band: Threshold
Album: Critical Mass
Genre: Progressive Metal/Hard Rock
Label: Inside Out Records
Released: Sept. 24, 2002
Band Members: Mac (Vocals), Karl Groom (Guitar), Nick Midson (Guitar), Jon Jeary (Bass), Richard West (Keyboards), Johanne James (Drums)

Out of the CD's I got last Christmas, I thought this would be the weak link. Instead I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of music. Mac's voice is great and full of emotion, with a bunch of harmonic choruses. There are many defined riffs, with keyboards throughout.

Tracks:

1. Phenomenon (5:30): Great opening song that gets you right into the music. What stands out to me is the rhythm, I can't help but rock along with this song, air guitar and all. I also love the lyrics, it's good stuffs.

2. Choices (8:19): The dud of the album for me. I don't like the beginning of the song, which is pretty boring, with an odd vocal delivery that doesn't sound all too good. It does pick up, though, and becomes a pretty good song, but not worth the first two minutes.

3. Falling Away (6:52): This is the song that made me want the album. It is a slower song, and is quite beautiful. Mac's voice is just wonderful, with his passion and emotion coming through profoundly. James does some complicated cymbal work, and really adds a lot with his drumming. The lyrics speak of mankind's ignorance and how we are causing our own downfall. We vote for the pretty ones, and curse when the world falls apart. Song of the album.

4. Fragmentation (6:34): Another rocker. One of the more up-tempo songs on the album. There are some parts where it drags, but overall a good song.

5. Echoes of Life (8:55): Starts slow and pretty, then rocks, and exits slow and pretty. Again Mac brings the emotion and delivers great vocals. The lyrics are about someone finally getting sick of procrastinating and having his life go nowhere, at least that's what I got from it. Quite fitting for me right now. Either Groom or Midson (I'm not sure which, they both do solo's) does a beautiful solo near the end that brings in more emotion.

6. Round and Round (5:26): A filler song. Not bad, but not great. It has a slower tempo, with a lot of quiet parts. The chorus can get a bit repetitive (round and round and round and round and - oh shit I'm gonna throw up).

7. Avalon (4:45): The true power ballad of the album, and one of my faves. Mac puts on a beautiful performance, and the solo fits perfectly. The piano is also nummy.

8. Critical Mass (Part 1-3) (13:35): This song is made up of three parts. Part 1: Fission, Part: 2: Fusion, and Part 3: Lucky. Fission is typical Threshold, good riff, with keyboards playing their part, with Mac doing his thing. Fusion is instrumental, one big Pink Floyd-ish guitar solo, which is fucking awesome, and I can get lost in it. Lucky is acoustic save for the keyboard. Overall this song makes good use of it's length. It's changes make it easy to know when you've finished one part and moved onto another. Overall a very good song.

In closing this review has taken way longer than I anticipated, and I'm tired as hell. Overall this album is very solid. Threshold has a unique sound with distinctive riffs, lots of keyboarding, and powerful choruses. Mac's voice is just awesome. I'm glad to have this in my collection, and I look forward to getting the rest of Threshold's catalog.

Sleepypoo

It is now 2:21am. I can't sleep. I went to bed at 11pm, and lay there for a few hours, then tried reading to make my eyes tired.

I'll let you take a wild guess as to how successful that was. Damn Bruce Campbell for writing an awesome book.

This normally wouldn't bother me too much, but lately I've been pressuring myself to keep some sort of schedule. Lately that schedule is try to sleep and wake up no later than 1pm. I've been successful so far, but I have a problem.

I have to be up at 7:30am to head to my grandma's to visit, and swim with my nieces. The question in my head is, do I try and sleep, knowing that when 7:30 comes around the last thing I am going to want to do is wake up and get ready. I'll have to go to war with myself to get up.

My other option is stay up. If I can stay awake till 7:30, I would be occupied enough to stay awake through the day, maybe sneaking in a nap at grandma's. This would also allow me to fall asleep earlier in the night, putting me on a more normal schedule. In case you haven't noticed, I have done this many times. I'll just be sure to not fall asleep in the pool and drown. I could do one of my monster cannonballs to wake myself up. The kids love the huge waves I can make, but godamn those hurt my balls.

Execution By X-mas Lights

So let's break it down
I know that the pain still lies beneath you
A common attraction
I wanted to see you
I wanted to be you
To be you someday - Sorry...Wrong Trajectory, by Flickerstick

No big long depressing post this time.

Causing a Catastrophe - Live by Flickerstick came in today, and it is awesome. They sound perfect live. This one's going to get a lot of playtime.

Now my Edguy and Angra CDs need to come in.

Going to practice my driving in a few minutes. Harhar. /happy

Rebirth

When my 16th birthday rolled around, I made no effort to start driving. I had a fear of driving. It wasn't until 2002, where, what else, a girl had given me motivation to face that fear, and start driving. She also got me out to get my first job. This girl was the one to whom I'd become engaged to that I have mentioned in previous entries. It was wonderful, I was trying to turn myself into a guy that would raise a family and be the best I could be for them. My one true dream in life, and I was working on making it come true.

I couldn't imagine the pain that 2002 would bring.

May 27th, 2002, it begins.

My father bursts into Ray's Food Place, my place of employment at the time, and found me in one of the aisles. His face startles me, and I ask what's up. "Mom, Misty(my sister), and the kids have been in an accident," he said "They are at the hospital, I don't know any other details."

Despite protesting legs I ran to the office and told them my situation, then we ran to the car to head to Roseburg. We didn't have any idea what kind of accident this was. We tried to comfort ourselves and ease our fears, by saying it was probably just a fender bender.

We were starting up the curved incline of Robert's Mountain when we saw a few cars and a semi truck that had been involved in an accident. We didn't see my sister's minivan in the accident. Our hearts settled back down, and our fears eased. Then we saw what was behind the semi, impossibly wedged underneath the trailer. "Oh shit," we both said in unison, not believing what we were looking at. It was my sister's van, driver's side wedged under the trailer like tinfoil shoved into the corner of a box. Not a word was said the rest of the way to the hospital.

My mom and nieces had little more than a scratch on them. My sister had broken her neck. She had saved my mom and the girls from harm by placing the van where she knew she would take the brunt of the damage. She did one of the most heroic acts that a human could have done. It's amazing that she lived through the sacrifice that she had given to save her family, let alone be able to walk. I am lucky to still have my sister around. She is the strongest person I know. A true inspiration.

May - October, 2002

My sister is on the hard road of recovery. My relationship hits a speedbump in the form of another guy, but she stays with me. In my denial, I ignore all the warning signs that are flashing.

Around October 18th, 2002

The whole family gets together at a buffet in Grants Pass. We are having a good time, but my grandad looks pale, and fragile. He ends up needing to go to the hospital. We have no idea what's happening to him.

Turns out he had a massive blockage and needed emergency surgery. The next day he had his surgery, in which they had to remove five feet of colon. The doctor informed us he had a 50% chance to live through this. Seeing my grandmother break down and sob was one of the hardest things I've ever had to witness.

During all this I had missed a lot of work, between going to the hospital for my sister's surgeries, then to be with my grandad. I wasn't going to leave them because of some temp job. I was also worried for my best friend's mother, who needed open heart surgery. My fiance didn't like this and started to distance from me. Warning signs flashed more than ever. I ignored them more than ever.

My grandad was in ICU for the next four days, recovering from surgery. On the fifth day they moved him to a different floor, and he made steady progress. We visited regularly, he was coherent, looking healthier, and being himself. During one of his walking exorcises my grandma told him he was doing good, and he looked at her, smiled, and said "You give me strength." All the nurses fell in love, and I admired the relationship my grandparents had. Hoping I would be able to go through life with someone as they had with each other.

"Korey and I need a beer," he said when a nurse reminded him that he had to walk again in a couple minutes. We all laughed. That's Grandad.

November 1st, 2002

Devastation. We got the call in the morning. My grandad's heart had given out. He had passed away. It was a total shock, he had been doing so well.

And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big, god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in. - Hear You Me, by Jimmy Eat World

It was during this time that my fiance told me, "You let too much get in your way." I didn't know how to react. My heart shattered. She was mad at me for letting what has happened effect me, instead of shrugging it off. I realized then what I've been ignoring for a long time now. My dream wasn't going to come true, not with her, no matter what I did. Two days after my grandad died, I broke up with the girl I still loved.

A week later, she tells me that she is going out with a pastor now, and she was happy.

I was defeated, utterly and totally. I escaped into a hole. I quit my job and secluded myself away from everyone, except for my best friend. I never left my room, rarely going anywhere. I became bitter and angry. I didn't like life, and I didn't like myself. I buried myself in games, hiding away from my problems.

I stayed that way until the beginning of 2004. I had gotten over the girl, I started coming out of my room more often. I went to my niece's baseball games, I started being an uncle again. Instead of staying home and wallowing, I went to family gatherings. I started coming back to life.

I was still unhappy, and lonely, though. I enjoyed being with my family, but when I thought of my future, sadness and dread would overcome me. I didn't want to live life alone. It's my biggest fear, being alone. I was afraid that's what my life would be, not matter what people were saying.

June 28th (I think), 2004

I head to the mall to pick up some books. Clueless as to what the day would hold for me. I entered the bookstore. When I left, I had changed. I wasn't quite aware of it then, but I knew something was different. I went back the next day, and the feeling of change strengthened. Something was happening to me that hasn't happened in a long time.

I felt motivated. I wasn't despairing, instead I felt.... good. It's hard to explain, but she had no idea what she did to me just by being there. While nothing may happen between us, I still don't despair. She had hit me over the head, and told me to wake up without even knowing what she was doing. She also showed me that I could meet someone that easily.

I woke up. I realized I had been moping for too long. It was time for me to move forward. It was time for me to actually do the things that I need to do, instead of procrastinating and hiding from them. I had to get up onto my feet and become what I can be. For my sister, my grandad, my parents, all the people who had shown me the good sides of life. For my best friend, for the girl in the bookstore, for whatever girl in my future that will want to have a family with me. I had to stop wishing I had a happy life, stop wishing my dream would come true, and do what I can to make it come true. For myself.

August 17th, 2004

I took my first big step in building my life. I went in to take my test for a driver's permit, to start driving. Now I sit here, legally able to drive. This may not seem like much to some, but it is for me. It's happening, it's actually fucking happening. I am actually doing what I set out to do, instead of putting it off and hiding. I am building myself. I am winning this battle against the me that wants to run away from it all.

I don't know what I got hit with in that bookstore, but godamn she must've hit me hard. If she's reading, thank you. You have no idea what you've done for me. :)

Bowling for Columbine

Guess what this topic is about. No, it isn't about chickens, that's later. It's about the documentary of the same name as this entry.

I had been waiting for this to come on the satellite for a bit now, and today I finally got my chance to watch it.

A few months ago I knew almost nothing of Michael Moore other than what I've heard from family. Basically that he was a horrible person, and to put him on that 'ignore what he says' list. I know how, even if you don't realize it, people influence your opinions, especially people who are close to you. Even if it's just a little bit. It's hard to keep your views your own.

I'm not going to write a lot about Moore, or Bowling For Columbine. I'm not going to say that he is right, or that he is wrong. With things like this, you're just going to have go see it for yourself. If anything, it should at least make you think a bit. I know it made me think, and I agreed with a lot of what was said with the movie, and disagreed with some. All I can say is go see it with an open mind, and open eyes. Whether you love him or hate him, go watch. Watch it by yourself, so you wont have people barking out when he's wrong or right, and form your own opinion.

Now I'm off to watch the women's gymnastics, always a highlight of the summer games for me.

.....

..... I watch for the althleticism........ I swear........ Stop looking at me like that.

Modifications

I'm doing a few things to the blog...... Trying to at least. I want to put in links, and those lists that I see on some other blogs, and whatever else pops into my head.

I am very limited in html skills, so I may end up making my blog all screwy, since I'm basically just feeling my way through it. Don't worry, you 8 or so people who stumbled across this blog, I kinda know what I'm doing, the blog is in relatively good hands. :)

Welcome to Roseburg

I went into town today to pick up a few books and snag a CD.

When I entered the mall, the first thing I see is some sort of stage in the "hub" of the building, with people all around. This was odd to me for two reasons, 1) This is Roseburg, and 2) when I go to sleep at night, I listen to music, and as I'm listening I imagine me as the frontman for the band doing a gig for a select crowd in various locales. For the past month I had been playing on that stage in the mall. It was set up the exact same way as it was in my mind, the only difference is that I wasn't up there singing to various impressed friends, family, and cute women.

I went into the bookstore to pick up my books, and talked with a friend of mine for a bit, and found out the purpose of the stage. Apparently the city of Roseburg pulled some major strings and who knows how many fingers to get a former two time Guinness World Record holder to come and try and break a record. I bet you're all excited to hear what major player we had coming to our little mall. Can he lift a bus? Eat 400 hotdogs? Shove a bowling ball up his nose? Shove an elephant up his ass? Nope, it's even better. HE CAN TEAR BOOKS! Have you ever heard such awesomeness? This crowd was gathering to see one of the world's best book rippers display his super power by disemboweling as many books as he can in 3 minutes. Riveting.

The best part of this whole thing other than the fact that it existed? He had a band as an opening act. I didn't catch their name, but come on, is it really that important? Plus I don't think they wanted their name to be known, and I don't blame them. I kinda felt sorry for them, I mean opening for a book ripper, godamn. That's almost like a guy doing an opening act at the gallows, proceeded by his own hanging.

So a few books and a few unsuccessful jokes later, I went to go get my CD, which the Sam Goody didn't have, so I settled for another. At this time the band was warming up. I figured they were some cover band, and as I walked by I secretly hoped they'd play Rockin' Robin. Instead I heard lyrics like "And Jesus came in, then forgave my sin, blah blah blah bible bible". That didn't bother me though, other than the lack of songs about popular winged animals. Saddened by no Rockin' Robin, I found it kind of ironic that while Christian music was playing, I was carrying a brand new Dimmu Borgir album. I almost felt like throwing up the horns and headbanging, but security and a bunch of women would've beat me up.

Anyway, I bet you're wondering how the awesome Book Ripper did. Did he break the record? Did he cure diseases? I don't know, I left before he started.

Welcome to Roseburg.

They Call Me Evil

Son, say what you mean, don't be afraid
Tell them how you feel, hear what I say
Be true to yourself and true to your own
Your spirit will crush the hearts of stone - Stand Alone, by Iced Earth

In this post I'd like to talk about my experiences with my old buddy, Christianity

I spent most of my gradeschool years in a private Christian school run by very devout Christians. As I've said before, I question things, and I questioned their faith. I pondered, and brought up a lot of 'What if?' questions. I remember once asking my teacher "What if when you die, instead of heaven, you get to fly around and pick any animal in the world, and live a lifetime as it, then get to pick again on your next death?". The look on her face suggested that I had taken a crucifix and stabbed Seamus, the slow kid, in the forehead with it. I was immediately sent to a small room in the back of the school to write some bible verse 500 times.

I spent a lot of time in that room. I was singled out and used as an example to the other kids of what happens when you think for yourself. You get punished. I almost never never got recess, and when I did I'd have a teacher watching me constantly, and if I did the slightest thing wrong (such as look at a girl), it would be back to the room with me. Either that or I'd sit at the front of the class, facing the other students, with my hands on my head for an extended period of time, if I put my hands down, it would be another 10 minutes. They used to have after school day care there for kids who's parents couldn't come until after school went out. So I'd be in that room, with my only hint that school was out was the sound of happy kids seeing their parents, still doing my schoolwork as the hours went by. They hated the fact that I was one of their best students.

I remember on one of the few recesses I was able to have, I had to go poo. I had to get the teacher's permission before I could go. Oh, and I had to say restroom, not potty..... That was another 500 sentences in the back room. Anyway, I go to the teacher and ask "Can I please go to the bathroom?". She acted like I wasn't there, I asked a couple more times, but I was still invisible. Another student came up and asked for something, and the teacher smiled and gave her permission to go about her business. By this time I had to go BAD, I was on the verge of panic. I pleaded desperately with her to let me go to the bathroom, and she finally gave me permission. It was to late, on the way to the bathroom I couldn't hold any longer and defecated myself.

Was all this really because I didn't swallow everything she had to say with a smile? Could people really try and break someone like this? They had tried, but I kept being myself, and was happy most of the time, and I still remain their failure.

My parents had no idea of the happenings at that school. I never told them. I'm not sure why I kept it from them, as they'd surely take me out of the school right away. They did eventually pull me out, though, after I started coming home crying every day.

Not all my experiences with Christianity have been bad, though. In my early teens I went on a trip with a group of other home school students and a few teachers. It remains to be one of me fondest memories in life. The trip was 3 weeks long, and we went through Nevada, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, and California. We made a camp at Arches National Park, and went hiking to see all the sights. We camped in Chaco Canyon and explored the ruins there. We hiked into Canyon De Chelly and planted apple trees for the natives there. We lived in a Navajo village for a week and became part of the community. It was wonderful, and all the people I went with were awesome. They were Christians, they worked with the church and all that, but they treated me just like everyone else. They didn't look down on me for not being religious. I never got in trouble for anything I didn't deserve (although they did mention my fascination with the girls on the trip :P). I even got a little medal honoring my bravery, for not giving up on those grueling hikes, even though my arthritis was beating me down. They let me be myself, and I loved them for that.

Why can't everyone else see what they saw? They didn't see the beliefs, the lifestyles, or what clothes we wore. They saw the people inside. They didn't try and change everyone. Why can't we all be like that? If I wanted to be a Christian I'd go to a church and seek a priest. Stop knocking on my godamn door.

I know I sound self righteous, badmouthing religion and other people for not accepting that people are diverse, and trying to change them into what they think is right. I am not innocent, though. There was a time a few years ago that I wished that all Christians could be wiped from the face of the earth. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I eventually realized what I sounded like, and I realized I was acting just like those who spurred my hatred. In trying not to be them, I became them. I was bitter, very bitter. Christianity had ruined any liking for school I had, it had changed my brother into a shitty person, and it had changed my first (only) love, becoming a main factor for our split (that and her falling for a pastor, which didn't help the bitterness).
I don't feel that way anymore. While I don't agree with, or like religion much, I'll never think of taking away someone's right to believe what they want. I have accepted the changes it has made in my life. I am grateful to that Christian school for helping to mold me into who I am, for it had inadvertently turned me into an open minded, strong person who strives to be as good as he can, both to others and to myself.

I still have an evil stigma with some people, though. With my known disagreement with religion, and my fascination with the dark side of religion (Hell, demons and the like, I heard I was going to Hell so much, I guess I wanted to know what it was like), I guess can understand why. But if you really took the time to know me, you'd find out that evil couldn't be any further from the truth.

Music of the Migraine

Well, here's my final music list for now.

Before we get started lets recap what we've seen earlier.

My slow list.

My medium list.

Ahh, the memories.

Now is the time for the music to switch gears and leave the realm of deep and meaningful, and plunge into the world of thrashing and yelling. There will be much geek metal on this list. Demons and dragons roam freely.
There are a few songs that are deep and have meaningful lyrics (such as .45), but for the most part these songs are here to make you bang your head, and they do a good job.

Before me things create were none, save things
Eternal, and eternal I endure.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here. - Dante Alighieri, "The Divine Comedy"

1. Disciples of The Lie - Iced Earth - Something Wicked This Way Comes
2. Whiskey In The Jar -Metallica - Garage Inc.
3. Dante's Inferno - Iced Earth - Burnt Offerings
4. The Maiden and The Minstrel Knight - Blind Guardian - A Night At the Opera
5. Castle Hall - Star One - Live On Earth
6. Thorn - Blind Guardian - Nightfall On Middle Earth
7. Battery - Metallica - Master of Puppets
8. .45 - Shinedown - Leave A Whisper
9. Falling Away - Threshold - Critical Mass
10. My Friend of Misery - Metallica - Black Album
11. Blood Tears - Blind Guardian - Nightfall On Middle Earth
12. The Two Gates - Star One - Live On Earth
13. Mirages - Andromeda - II = I
14. A Question of Heaven - Iced Earth - The Dark Saga
15. Vain Glory Opera - Edguy - Vain Glory Opera
16. Two Is One - Andromeda - II = I
17. Heroes of Sand - Angra - Rebirth
18. Aftermath - Strapping Young Lad - SYL
19. The Mission - 30 Seconds To Mars - 30 Seconds To Mars
20. The Red - Chevelle - Wonder What's Next

That's it for now as far as lists go. Over time I'll make little mini lists of things like instrumental songs and stuff like that. I also plan on doing a weekly CD review from my collection. In between all that you'll just have to settle for the filler I spew out at 4am when I can't sleep. :)

Relative Positions

I was the one you let inside
Your solitary room
I was the one who took you on
Your first trip to the moon - First Trip, by The Nixons

Once again I'm sitting here at 4am, doing the blog.

Earlier tonight (well, last night now) I got hit with a fit of loneliness, I've been having it all week, but tonight hit me pretty hard. So I went outside to the front deck and sat in the porch swing, and took in the air and noises of the night.

It was a peaceful midnight, no sound other than the trees talking with the wind. I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and let my mind wander.

I was just starting to get my good thinking on when I heard the footsteps. Now I'm still a pretty recent addition to this little corner of town, having moved in last month. I'm still not sure about the people I live around, so I began to worry a bit. I didn't worry so much because of the people I live around, I worried because these footsteps were either attached to someone sprinting, or something with more than two legs, and they were approaching. Fast.
I froze, and tried to blend in with the porch swing while looking for the source of the footsteps with nothing but a dim streetlight and a few stars illuminating this now foreboding night. I scanned and saw nothing, but I knew it was close, whatever it was, and it's pace hadn't slowed. It wasn't until I peered at a little bunch of trees that I saw it moving behind them. It was a flash, I couldn't get any detail other than it was low to the ground.
Then it emerged from the trees and revealed the horror that had me wanting to curl into the fetal position and start crying. It took the form of a dog with a huge dopey grin on his face as he trotted. The face gave him away, he had just seen his woman and got some tail, and was sneaking back home, you can't get that dopey grin any other way.

After my heart stopped thumping, and my confidence that no one saw me cowering from a horny dog grew, I got back to thinking. About five minutes later the first puzzling thought came to my mind. "What the hell is the salt shaker doing out here?"

Having given up on trying to figure out the salt shaker's story, I resumed thinking about other things.
I thought about many things before I remembered that about a week ago I went to my ex girlfriend's site to see if anything had changed. Things had changed quite a bit. She was getting married. You know how weird it is to know that someone you had been engaged to before is getting married? It's quite weird. I am very happy for her none the less.
It got me to thinking about our relative positions in life. A few years after we split, she's getting married and traveling the world. Then there's me. I'm sitting here at 4am writing on a blog, still single, not traveling the world. Not doing anything.....Yet.
Quite a few things in my mind clicked when I saw that update on her site. I became even more determined to improve my life, and myself. I also became pretty lonely, as I said it's hit me all week. Of course listening to some of the music I have been lately hasn't helped that fact.
Being alone has always been my biggest fear in life. Loneliness is crippling to me. Things were looking bright for a bit as I was moving last month, but it seems unfortunate events have turned that light off for now. So I focus on other things when I can, but there's no escaping that time when you lay your head down to sleep. There's no stopping what my mind will think about, and of course it picks exactly what I've been trying to avoid. My mind is an asshole.

I look forward to the day where I can roll over and see the cure to my fears laying next to me. And I don't mean Harry, my pink stuffed rabbit.

All she needs is some chloroform
And she'll be mine
Chloroform the one, the one that you love - Flickerstick

If only it were that easy, Mr. Lea, if only.

Music of the Mind

My music lists part 2.

These are the songs that didn't fit in my first list, and aren't heavy enough (to me) for my heavy list, but still have a special place with me. Like the first list there are some songs that sing to the heart, as well as songs that sing to the mind, and songs that just plain rock. Again, this isn't in exact order, and the 3 song per band rule still applies. Enjoy:

1. Last Christmas - Jimmy Eat World - Last Christmas/Firestarter 7" vinyl
2. Sullivan - Caroline's Spine - Monsoon
3. Broken Like An Angel - Dollybraid - All The Hype Money Can Buy
4. Rock N' Roll Hero - Caroline's Spine - Attention Please
5. Hippie Boy - Caroline's Spine - Monsoon
6. SOL - Dollybraid - unreleased
7. Perfect Day - Zac Maloy - Life
8. Save Me - Remy Zero - The Golden Hum
9. Sister - The Nixons - Foma
10. Sweetness - Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
11. First Trip - The Nixons - Latest Thing
12. Until You Look Away - Zac Maloy - Life
13. Don't Push Love Away - The Juliana Theory - Emotion Is Dead
14. Crash - Zac Maloy - Life
15. You're Dead - Alkaline Trio - From Here to Infirmary
16. Waiting For A Ghost - Averi - Direction of Motion
17. Little - Something Corporate - Audioboxer E.P.
18. The Hardest Things - The Juliana Theory - Love
19. Do You Believe Me - The Juliana Theory - Love
20. Fuck You Aurora - Alkaline Trio - Maybe I'll Catch Fire

Stay tuned for tomorrow's list which is my heavies. There you'll see the other side to my music. So far the lists have been pretty full of beautiful songs with a lot of meaning. The next list takes that and kicks it in the balls. I can feel your anticipation.

Music of the Soul

So as I eluded to in my first post, I was making lists of my fave songs in multiple categories, along with Hearshot. Well, I'm pretty much finished with the three main categories, so I'll start posting them.

First up is the music that passes the ears and goes straight for the soul, and in many cases, starts stabbing it with a rusty fork. This is the music I can't help but sing my heart out to, often with a tear in the eye and a look on my face like my toes are being twisted off. Run (number 2) is quite notorious for increased loneliness and long nights (It will probably be getting it's own blog entry soon).

Introducing my music of the soul (in a 'song - artist- album' format):

1. San Pedro - Dollybraid - All The Hype Money Can Buy
2. Run - Snow Patrol - Final Straw
3. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
4. The Fall - The Nixons - The Nixons
5. Hold My Hand - Caroline's Spine - Like It or Not
6. Passion - The Nixons - Foma
7. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd - Pulse
8. Early Morning Phonecall - Zac Maloy - Life
9. Broken - Seether - Disclaimer 2
10. Beginnings - Memento - Beginnings
11. Grace - Zac Maloy - Life
12. Piano Song - The Juliana Theory - Music From Another Room E.P.
13. Radio - Alkaline Trio - Maybe I'll Catch Fire
14. December - The Nixons - The Nixons
15. Fade To Black - Metallica - Ride The Lightning
16. Cautioners - Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
17. Blister - Memento - Beginnings
18. Turn My Head - Live - Secret Samadhi
19. Punch Drunk - RubyHorse - Rise
20. In Tune - Averi - Direction of Motion

So there you have it. My fave moving and beautiful songs, roughly in order, as it's impossible for me to put them in exact order. Also, I limited the songs to 3 per band, that way there's a good mix of artists in there.

Stay tuned for my lists of my fave Heavy songs, which are the songs I love to rock and scream along with. And don't forget my Tweener list, which are the songs that aren't quite heavy, and don't really belong in the Beautiful list, but are still some of the best songs around. Also be sure to check Hearshot's list on his blog.

Now that I'm suddenly extremely tired, I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'll probably listen to Snow Patrol while trying to doze, so I don't know how this going to sleep thing is going to work out lol.

BEHOLD!....... CAPTIAN MCFOOFYHAIR!! 

The Unexpected..... The Inevitable

"Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry" - I Remember by Stabbing Westward

Man, I sank a lot of pain into that song. That's not what I'm up at 4am to write about, though. As the lyrics imply, I'm writing about change. I was attempting to fall asleep when this subject popped into my never ending mind. Why do we change? What causes it?

Nothing can effect a life as much as change. Whether it's the best thing in your life, or the worst, change alters they way you live. At times we yearn for a change, other times we dread it with all our hearts.

I was thinking about how my life has changed over the years. From being popular in school, to fearing for my well being in school. From being stuck in a deep depression, to pulling myself out of that hole and enjoying life again. From being alone, to falling in love. From being in love, to being heartbroken. From being heartbroken, to mending myself. And now my current change, from having no life, to trying to put myself together and get on my feet. There have been many changes, good and bad, from the highest high, to the lowest low. Each a lesson. Each a landmark I can look back on and see how I've changed since.

I wouldn't say change is the current to the river of our lives. I feel it's more the geography that makes the river flow where it does. Sometimes we can force a change, and make our lives better, and sometimes change hits us and drags life down. Often unexpected, always inevitable.

I have learned one thing from change that I will always remember. No matter how low life gets, no matter how bleak, how hard, how tragic it is, it will change. That break in the rapids will eventually come, and the water will be tranquil again.

Another one bites the dust...

I should be shot for using that song as a post title.

Anyways, my friend decided to jump on this little bandwagon and make himself a blog. So go read it and realize mine sucks and don't read it anymore. That way we all win. :)

He also posted one of his music lists already, so now I have to hurry up and finish mine. Bastard.

Stop signs mean stop.

So here I am reading the Oregon Driver's Manual in preparation for getting my license. What an eye opening read this is. It frightens me to the core when I read some of the stuff that they had to put in here.

There are many examples within the manual, but this one in particular really stood out.

"Children must not ride on the hood, fender, running board or other external part of the vehicle."

Wow. Amazement was the first reaction, but that soon gave way to mortal fear. People wouldn't actually do that, I thought to myself, but deep down, I knew somewhere there was a kid going down an interstate strapped to the hood of a Pinto stationwagon via a network of old bungie cords and masking tape. What's worse is that my sister has witnessed similar events, and thus my fears became a reality.

Now to leave the house I must overcome my fear of being run over by a blind man driving his car from the passenger seat, with an elephant carrying a box of nitroglycerine strapped to the roof.

I love my cat

I have a cat named Bradley. He is older than dirt. He has no front teeth, and is missing one eye. He also has no clue. He sleeps most of the time, when he isn't sleeping he's either sitting and staring at a wall, getting in the way (not because he means to, he simply can't see anyone heading his way from his right side), or eating. He is quite happy and active for his age.

He also just threw up all over my carpet. And as I clean his revived breakfast, while trying not to add that Handysnacks Butterscotch Pudding I had earlier (before my nieces found it) to the mess, I cant help thinking...... I love my cat.

Curiosity.

Well, here I am, after a year of being tempted, I have finally plunged into Blogdom.

Already, before even making a post, I am discovering that this blog could be more than just a place to post my drivel (and much drivel will be posted). I am curious as to how much of an impact this blog could have on me. I am usually the quiet one in the room. I listen more than anything, listen and observe. That doesn't mean I'm without views or opinions, it just means I usually don't voice them to anyone outside of a few people. Mainly because I seem to be mostly alone in said views and opinions, especially when it comes to my family (whom I love dearly). So here I am, sitting in front of the screen, wondering. I wonder how far I could go, how much to say, what to say, what not to say. I like the idea of having the ability to post an opinion without sparking an argument. It is also a bit scary, as in what if family comes across the site and sees things they wouldn't think could come from me. I guess they'll just have to get to know me, and perhaps I can get to know myself better. Exciting, Intriguing, Scary....... Fun :).

Now a bit about myself.

The name is Korey Clay Kelley, a name that I'm happy to have. I feel it has a nice flow, and I can tell people to say it ten times really fast and watch them get tongue-tied. What more could you want out of a name?

I am an emotional person. I am pretty sensitive. A big pussy, really. A big, proud pussy. (damnit, I can't read that with a straight face lol).

Comedy and laughter is a major driving force in my life. You have to be able to laugh, even in the hardest times.

As I said above, I listen and observe. You can learn a lot by just sitting in a room while people talk. I question everything. I don't buy into anything until I have decided for myself that I want to buy into it. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble during my life. It's a blessing and a curse.

I have many hobbies, too many. My main hobbies include Music (not playing, but listening, and singing along), Puroresu (Japanese Pro Wrestling), drawing, painting, reading, and gaming (although the gaming has slowed considerably recently).

As you can probably tell from my hobbies, I am a huge geek. I love being a geek, and wouldn't change it for the world. I have a fascination with statistics, and lists. All my life I have made lists of pretty much everything. Right now I am working on a list of favorite songs, split into 3 categories, along with smaller subcategories for things like instrumental songs. The statistician in me wants to devise a way of finding out which songs I listen to the most, how many times a day a song is played, ect. Then I could compose lists from that data. Yeah, I'm weird.

Right now I'm on a quest of sorts. A quest to better myself. I have been in a hole of Loserdom and discontent for a while now, and I'm trying to scratch my way out of it. That's a main reason I started this blog, as I feel it can help. So there will probably be quite a bit of posting on that subject.

Hmmm, what else. I am not that physically active. Despite my size, I don't play sports or anything. This is not completely my choice, though. I have had arthritis since I was 4 years old. I got it as a side affect of unchecked Lyme Disease (along with Bell's Palsy, but that cleared up after a while). I was one of the first cases in Oregon, so the doc's didn't believe I had it("We don't get Lyme Disease here"... yeah, yer a smart one, Doc). It wasn't until a year later when half my face went dead that they took us seriously. Oh, and I have Scoliosis as well. So, yeah, physical activities are a pain (HA! I'm so clever), but I try to not let it slow me down much. There are things I simply can't do because of it, but I make do. I'm gonna start taking walks, will help me keep in some sort of shape, and I can get some fresh air and take in everything.

I think that's about it. Of course that's not all of me in those paragraphs, but I think it's sufficient, for starters. I'm sure more will be revealed with further entries, maybe even things I was not aware of.

I can't promise anything remarkable about the future of this blog, but who knows? All I can say is enjoy your stay and feel free to comment. :)